I went through a really difficult patch with my eldest daughter recently. Tantrums, tears, defiance, lying are some of the things that have reared their head. Whatever I said she just tuned me out, we were completely disconnected and she felt out of reach. Frankly, I found it quite scary, she’s only just coming up for 4, imagine how it could be in another 10 years?
Whenever I have challenging periods with my kids I literally have to stop everything and look objectively at the situation. What I noticed was I was permanently attached to my laptop and phone or busy washing, cooking and cleaning. At one point she asked me to come and play cafes with her and then said “you can bring your computer with you”. I felt awful, I wasn’t putting in any quality time.
Around the same time I came across a post on Simple Kids, 6 Peaceful solutions for Hitting and Anger. Number 5 talked about Time In as opposed to time out as a reaction to negative behaviour. The idea is that the child sits with a grown-up for some cool down, snuggle, and talk time.
This really got me thinking. When kids act up is it because they’re naughty or because they’re trying to tell you something? I decided on the latter and resolved to create some time for Bella and I to ‘be’ together.
I’ve been doing this for 2 weeks now and the change is incredible. Emotional outbursts are fewer and don’t last as long and our connection is much stronger. She seems much happier and I’m happier to be with her.
Here’s my 5 ideas to quality ‘time in’
1. Spend quality time together once a week, away from the house and your other children if you have them. A trip to the library, down to the shops, the cafe, a museum, a show, the park whatever you feel you’ll both enjoy.
2. Give your quality time a name. As Bella is the oldest I say “Let’s have some big girls time together”. She loves that. Giving it a name enables your child to ask for this time when they need it.
3. Look them in the eyes when they’re talking to you to show you’re really listening.
4. Really involve them by asking their opinion or ideas on things while you’re out. This helps them feel important and that their thoughts matter.
5. Giving your full attention to your child for 10 mins a day goes along way to help them feel accepted and recognized.
What I struggle with most is being consistent. I start off well and then things fall by the way side, until the next episode.
Michele
Marge Douglas
You are so right with this post. I find I start to play with the kids, then get distracted and wander off and do something else.
The kids then get restless and irritating! But it’s because you are not really ever ‘Being’ with them.
I am going to join you in trying to carve out pieces of time that I am truly with the kids, and then when I do have to do stuff, they will feel as though they have had their fair share of me.
Excellent post.
Thank you. It’s great to know you enjoyed it.
It’s difficult juggling so many things, but you’re right once they’ve had their fair share, you can get on knowing their content. Makes life a little bit easier albeit exhausting.
Great post. I have also looked at the Simple Kids link.
My four year old has been increasingly naughty recently and not responding to any discipline. So I’ve tried to deal with it by turning the situation on its head and giving him more quality time. He’s the middle child so I worry he feels the effects of that. We call it “special mummy time”. I try and give them all quality time and actually sit and do something with them rather than being busy around them, but it is amazing how difficult this can be in the schedule of modern life. This makes me feel guilty that I am so busy “processing” them and not appreciating them. Thanks for making me stop and think about this again.